bul-ly
1. A person who uses strength or power to harm or intimidate those who are weaker
The word bully (or term bullied) can bring back memories of a negative kind for a large deal of people - be it through personal experiences, or that of their children, partner or friends. The bleak reality is that bullying is something that will always exist in society, most noticeably in schools.
"A person is bullied when he or she is exposed, regularly and over-time, to negative actions on the part of one or more persons" (Olweus - cited in Besag - 1989, p1)
I myself know of victims of bullying during school years, with the course of action taken in the majority of cases by the schools involved being insufficient in bringing about a permanent change. In one particular long-term case of bullying, the schools decided path to resolution involved speaking to the bullies' parents - a questionable approach. I say this with the following mindset; if a child is fearless enough to antagonise a fellow pupil, then surely they are deserving of the consequences?
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| A handful of organisations that combine campaigning with the assisting of bullying victims. |
My opinion in regards to the aforementioned case is not to be misinterpreted as a generalisation of how all educational establishments deal with bullying - it is merely an example of what I think was poorly made decision. To truly and efficiently begin to tackle a bullying situation, I believe a comprehensive understanding of the conflict occurring should be transferred from the victim to an appropriate figure.
Although I understand that every bullying case is different from the next, a program with a structure (of sorts) wouldn't go amiss in assisting the processes of understanding and resolution. The steps of constructive talking (McConnon, 2010) could serve as an effective starting point, with the first two being especially applicable:
1. Talk about what they are feeling, including key concerns and needs
2. Encourage the use of 'I' language - helping the subject feel heard, as well as aiding the rebuild of self-esteem
Although school years are said to be the 'best of your life', this is unfortunately not the case for all, which makes helping those that fall into the latter all the more important.
Taking these foundation steps would prevent rash decisions being made in early stages, whilst constructive conversation would allow a figure of authority to reflect on what they have heard prior to deciding on further action.
Do you think enough is done to resolve bullying in schools?
Have you been a victim? In what situation/s? Did you reach out for help?
I really like what you have said about school years supposedly being the best of a person's life, but the reality being far from it. It is indeed so, for you as you have admitted and for myself, as I am now admitting.
ReplyDeleteI was very consistently bullied all throughout middle and high school - a total of 8 years of emotional abuse which had a strong toll on my self esteem. The words said to me haunt me to this very day and yes, it would have been nice if steps were taken early on for the 'rebuild' of my self esteem. but nothing of the sort happened.
One of my bullies' parents were also contacted on the issue, but by then the bullying I had undergone had had its impact and had scarred me for life. After a quieter ( but not entirely abuse-less) period of time, the persistent bullying continued, this time in the form of other snide comments - as though I wasn't allowed to forget what they said to me. Like they had to remind me "hey, we can't use the words 'loser' and 'ugly bitch' anymore but we can still let you know we hate you."
The thing about bullies is that they do not understand kind treatment, as they are seemingly unable to give it. It is no longer enough to assume that a few scoldings and "turn the other cheek" would be enough to stop a bully (or bullies in my case) from ruining another pupil's self esteem. Bullies should be punished - suspended from school, their names put on a wall of shame - anything as radical as needed to actually motivate them to stop their poisonous attitude. Because if they are not punished appropriately, they just continue to do what they do not deem wrong. If no one is there to stop them, they simply go on. And that should not happen. Teachers shouldn't idly stand by and parents shouldn't advice their kids to "ignore the bully". Because ignoring abuse is not that easy, especially for a child. Especially for a teen. Those are the years when self esteem is supposed to be forming, not being stomped down by emotional and physical abuse.
Thanks for your comment Maria!
DeleteI think you've summed up my approach perfectly in your response, and in regards to the blog post itself, I could have easily carried on writing for hundreds more words!
Bullying is most definitely identifiable as something that goes through different stages in regards to 'activity levels' (as such), with varying levels of harmfulness to a victim. Without a strong course of action or punishment, then there will always be a existence of the bullying lurking and ready to re-emerge - should this happen then everything is back to the start again.
In many documentaries I have watched that cover bullying, there is a pattern in which adults that were bullies themselves speak of their remorse towards how they treated their victims - however at this point it is no good! The damage has been done to the victim, and the memories of such treatment may well follow them through life. Regret and remorse needs to come from bullies in the stage of punishment - which should be immediately after bullying is identified.
You have presented a very well read essay on bullying, and find myself agreeing with your comments and yes it is a big issue.
ReplyDeleteIn my experience i can say that i was not bullied at school, but found myself protecting my twin brother who had facial scaring from birth being bullied. Back then in the 1960s bulling in schools was not taken has seriously has it is today, looking back my brother went through some tough times and i was treated the same way has the bully no one would listen when i explained to the headmaster that i was only protecting my brother and would feel sad for him.
Moving on in my life i found that one of my sons was being bullied.His school had a system in place to follow up and establish the facts, support people found to be in this situation and protect.At the same time proven bullies would be put under supervision and if necessary excluded from school.
This problem sometimes moves outside the school, bullies may want to take revenge this i know,this can get very painful for the person being bullied at this stage the police should be involved.
All schools should set a zero to tolerance on bulling,perpetrators should be taken to task to prevent their disgusting actions and should they fail then banish them from the classroom.
This education should start at home parents have a responsibility to lead by example.
Thanks for your comment Alan.
DeleteIt's great to get an insight of how bullying was dealt in previous decades; additionally it comes as no surprise that bullying wasn't treated in an overly seriously manner in the 60s.
The attention that bullying is now given by schools is obviously considerably higher, but parents do also have a responsibility too.
As you identify bullying outside of school hours is another problem that can still occur - from a schools perspective, how would you attempt to deal with this? Or is a case of it being the responsibility of parents to 'monitor' (as such) what their children are doing socially?
I will always remember my days at school as they were there worst ever as I was bullied because of my name, skinny build, big teeth and match stick legs. However, for most, the school days are the best days. I had my things ruined and emotionally and physically abused, which also diminished my self-esteem.
ReplyDeleteOnce, I approached a teacher who stated that I deserved it, and another stated that I WAS ugly! The teachers were the bullies themselves and never offered to intervene , even when I wrote a letter to a third one to explain what was happening. It was 'out of my jurisdiction' was the reply back! I contacted one of the bully's parents myself to explain what their child was doing and they gave me verbal abuse; this taught me that if the child was a bully, their parents were too! I think contacting the parents can be a fruitless task. Everywhere I turned, no help was given to alleviate the problem. So as a result, I fought back with just as much aggression and teachers wondered why I did so poorly at school - I left with no GCSE's due to deep unhappiness.
I agree with Maria who quotes 'Bullies should be punished - suspended from school, their names put on a wall of shame - anything as radical as needed to actually motivate them to stop their poisonous attitude. Because if they are not punished appropriately, they just continue to do what they do not deem wrong.' But I do feel that this should be the last resort if corrective counselling does not solve the bullying. For an individual to bully, they must have a rationale. Their parents should also attend counselling to enable their child to stay at the school, and if physical assault has occurred, they should be made criminally responsible if they remain uncooperative. Counselling should also be offered to the recipient of such behaviour as their self-esteem would have suffered drastically; some children end up committing suicide as a result. Hollyoaks has recently covered a similar story to raise awareness, and the storyline was very realistic - Esther approached staff for help and nothing was done and she took an overdose in an attempt to kill herself.
I often wonder what the bullies are up to now, do they consider themselves as bullies? Are they still bullies? Are their parents bullies? Many questions remain unanswered. How am I after my school days? I have self-esteem issues and have a lifetime of antidepressants - I was told that the ongoing abuse over several years has affected by brain chemistry. However after counselling offered by my GP, I'm stronger, wiser and take less hassle from people. I have researched bullying myself and have a better understanding of the dynamics. I've learned how to recognise and deal with bullying as help is scarce - maybe through fear, collaboration with the bullies or something else, people are unwilling to get involved. Schools should do more to raise awareness, innocent lives can be saved. Bullying will stay with me for life.
Claire.
Thankyou for your very insightful comment Claire.
DeleteThe position you found yourself in during your own school years seemed an impossible one to resolve - and no child should ever have to face the task of facing their bullies without any type of support.
As also mentioned by Alan in his comment, bullying wasn't seen as a particularly big deal in previous years, whereas now it it given much more attention and talked about more openly in society as an issue that needs to be eradicated for good. Hollyoaks covering such a story (with a target audience largely consisting of teenagers and young adults)is a reflection of the current stand on bullying - there should be more of a no tolerance approach taken rather than turning a blind eye or disregarding it as 'kids being kids'.
I agree with your approach to bullies all the way, punishment is necessary of course, but counselling can help cover many fields in the process of resolution. For the bully, motives behind bullying can emerge from counselling, and a general understanding of their behavioural traits can be identified.
For a victim of bullying, counselling offers support and more importantly, an opportunity for the victim to talk about how they feel. Without this, as you identify, a child can feel isolated and become depressed, which is where the danger of suicidal thoughts come in.
As I mentioned in my response to Maria, bullies from schooldays may well have carried such traits through to adulthood, meaning they are still dismissive and disrespectful to others in places of work and general day to day life. Others are more reflective and remorseful, but as you state the damage is done to some victim for life. You seem to have combined personal strength and external help together, which have now helped you grow as a person, however not every victim will have the confidence and know-how to so, which is where further help is required.
Do you think that a focus group type scenario, where a group of bully victims meet to openly share experiences with one another, would be a good idea? Certainly it would help victims feel heard.